


Field Greens

by mmmdraco



Category: Zombieland (2009)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-16
Updated: 2012-12-16
Packaged: 2017-11-21 07:32:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/595116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mmmdraco/pseuds/mmmdraco
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dinnertime, post-Zombie Apocalypse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Field Greens

**Author's Note:**

  * For [duckgirlie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/duckgirlie/gifts).



"We could try cannibalism," Little Rock said as she ate the last bite of an apple they'd scavenged off a tree while Tallahassee had actually chased down a zombie to try to kill it with a frisbee to which he'd glued razor blades.

Grabbing the core from Little Rock's hand, Wichita scraped her teeth against the last bits of apple flesh still clinging around the pips. "We are not eating each other," she said as she wiped a tiny chunk of apple back into her mouth. "I don't want to have to weed that garden we started all alone."

Tallahassee looked up from where he was crouched down and lovingly cleaning a crowbar of zombie detritus. "What if we was gonna eat you?"

Wichita gave him a scathing look. "I'm the brains of this operation, obviously, so if you killed me? Enjoy figuring out how to stir-fry dirt."

Columbus wandered over with a chipped platter covered in field greens. "Well, we've got this, at least, and I've got some water cooling to drink."

"Ain't there no goddamn tea left?" Tallahassee said as he stuffed a dandelion leaf in his mouth and grimaced. "We're eatin' salad like fuckin' rabbits, there is _no_ ranch dressing out here to hide the taste, and we are not-even-figuratively waiting on our garden to grow. This sucks."

Columbus frowned. "There was a zombie apocalypse and we are basically the only people left-"

"-Since you killed Bill Murray," Tallahassee threw in as he grabbed another leaf.

"-The only people left, and so we came to where it actually makes sense that there wouldn't be so many zombies since there weren't a lot of people here either, and you want to complain about a lack of ranch dressing and tea?"

"Fuckin' Montana. I'm still mad about the Twinkies, too. Fuckers."

Little Rock rolled her eyes. "There are animals out there to kill, too, you know. I, for one, would be willing to try bear."

Wichita nodded and her eyes widened. "Oh! Or, we could go searching out some of the farms out here. What do you think the chances are that someone has some chickens or cows that survived?"

"I think we got better luck finding ourselves a truck full of Twinkies, _iced_ tea and, hell, I'd take a raspberry vinaigrette right about now. Damn, son, did you even rinse this off?"

Columbus looked down at the plate and then back up at Tallahassee. "What was going to get anything on them? They're plants!"

Wichita grimaced. "So, maybe that's deer urine vinaigrette?"

Little Rock grabbed a handful of the greens and started nibbling on them. "It's food and we can't waste the water right now on cleaning off leaves. If the animals can eat these without a problem, then we can too."

Columbus gestured to her and said, "See?" Then he took out his gun and dashed off to the side to take out a stumbling zombie wearing overalls. He double-tapped and sighed. "Even when they're zombies, it's like these guys are trying to take over each other's land like something out of 'Little House on the Prairie'." He paused. "Not that I've seen any of that show, though."

Wichita squinted at a leaf. "Is this spinach?" She shook her head. "Can you imagine what this place would have been like if the government hadn't paid people to not grow things?"

"What?" Tallahassee sat up. "You're makin' that shit up."

"I'm serious! They said it had something to do with pesticide and fertilizer runoff so they wanted land to sit empty for a while and they would pay farmers to do it. But really is was because they had some program where they bought food off of farmers that couldn't sell it all and it would just sit in a warehouse and rot, so they figured it would be easier to just pay those farmers to not grow what wasn't going to sell anyway."

Columbus sat back down and brushed another field green off with his fingertips. "Can you imagine what Washington, D.C., was like when the zombies hit?"

They all looked up for a moment; imagining. "Not much different, I guess?" Wichita finally said.

Little Rock grabbed another handful of greens. "Probably a few more scattered body parts, at least."

"Fuck, I want a hamburger." Tallahassee flicked a clover back toward the plate. "Hell, anything. Let's go out hunting after we finish up what the deer pissed on."

Little Rock laughed. "Sure, why not?"

Suddenly, they heard a moo. "That wasn't-" Columbus started.

"That was a mother-fuckin' cow! I'm gonna find me that cow- And I'm gonna shoot it!" Tallahassee was already standing with his latest rifle held tightly in his hands.

Wichita licked her bottom lip. "Maybe he followed zombie Farmer John over there?"

Columbus already had his own gun in hand. "If there's one, what if there are more coming? We could have milk before bed tonight!"

Little Rock shook her head. "Are you five?"

"Hey, we still have a few of those cookies we found in that gas station back in, what was it, Idaho? Maybe they'd actually taste okay if we had some milk to go with them."

Tallahassee rolled his eyes. "You can have milk if you can pry it from that cow's cold dead body!" He gave chase.

Wichita laughed. "Columbus? Go with him. We'll stay here and guard the seedlings."

Columbus' eyes narrowed. "You'd forgotten about the cookies, hadn't you?"

"Hidden in the cellar behind the home-canned rhubard? Not on your life." She stood up and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. "Go shoot me a cow. And see about a chicken or two?"

Columbus raced off after Tallahassee, and felt his mouth widen in a huge grin as he heard the other man whoop and let off a shot while screaming, "I'm gonna eat you!"

Little Rock grabbed another handful of greens. "I'm glad. I didn't want to become a vegetarian."

Wichita ran down to the cellar and came back a moment later to hand something to Little Rock. "I moved the chocolate stash behind the pickled pig's feet. I thought he'd forgotten about the cookies!" She opened the Hershey's Kiss in her hand and popped it in her mouth and groaned. "Soooooo good."

Unwrapping her own, Little Rock plopped it on her tongue and grinned. "Boys are so stupid sometimes."

Wrapping an arm around Little Rock, Wichita smiled tersely. "Kid, I really hope you get a chance to find out just how true that is."

In the distance, they heard another gunshot and then a drawn-out moo. "I guess we should look for firewood if we're going to have steak for dinner?" Little Rock pointed toward the copse of pine trees between them and where the Great Cow Massacre was happening.

Wichita shook her head. "Nah. I think we should just offer to do the dishes."

"Is doing the dishes going to be actually washing them this time or just more target practice?" 

"Let's see how many plates we have?"


End file.
